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Kalis_place
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Interests: wrting, readin, musical stuff, green tea, razr blades, scales, death, blood, fuck ups, intresting shit like that
Expertise: writing, reading, anything musical
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AIM:  xxfittedsheetsxx
Member Since:
7/6/2005
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| Going on vaca, then school, its gonan be hard to update this now since im getting really close to publishing my book. so if u want to read this story start form the beging of this site to the end, its a small excerpt. ok well anyways....
heres one last small excerpt...
I don’t think most people understood why others got drunk or high, or cut themselves or hurt themselves by not eating. Its when the dark takes over. When hoplessness overcomes you like a blankets and you can escape. You feel like theres nothing you can do expcet be this things for people to stare at. Be this thing that chases its enemies because its all that you feel you can do. You brain says one thing even though what you learned from your mather says another. And your brain shall always win because control is more powerful then a mothers reasoning....
alright ppl thanks for the ocmments, ill keep u updated on how my story and publishing goes...
bye! | | |
| Perfect.
Perfect.
Were waiting for you Kali…
My eyes suddenly opened and widen when I saw Emily in front of me. I was no longer in a small dark dlue room but on the alley where I met Emily every thrusday. There she was, her hair in a tangle, her eyes in a daze, that face that looked as if she were dreaming.
“Kali!” she greeted me arms spred wide as normal. I embraced. Suddenly there was a deep pain in my back. Emily stepped away and I staggered until I feel flat on my butt. My hand was to my chest and I pulled it away. Blood dripped from my hand and dyed my fingers a crimson. Emily had stabbed my back and now stood there a bloody knife in her hand. And ou know what she did? She gave me some heroin, and every time she gave me some the gash in my back got bigger anf bigger. Suddenly Emily just sat there looking at me with and knowing, evil pleasure look.
“You stabed me in the back.”
“Only cause you wanted me to.”
“What?” I questioned.
Emilys eyes glistened and the suin hit her hair and it shimmered. People passed us by not even giving me a second glance. couldn’t they see how she had betrayed me and stabbed me? Not to metion the bloddy mess!
“Kali we were waiting for you, and you came.”
Emily stood and wipped her hands on her jeans and walked away from the spot I lay dying. More people passed and hours slipped by and I sat there bleeding.
“Why did you do this Emily?”
I drifted off into a blackness and her voice rang through my head…
We were waiting for you Kali…
And you came.
I had slept till noon the next day since I had no alarm to wake me up. Someone said they came in earlier to get me up but I wouldn’t budge, and they figured I had been drugged to calm down. But I hadn’t. I just wanted to sleep the rest of m life, or die, Or live a life of death. I just didn’t know.
I sat up one the bed and wrapped the woolo blanke around myself holding it tightly. I wish this was all a dream, that Dan still was with me and we were togther. But we weren’t and I didn’t know if we ever would be again. Suddenly the door opend and a nurse came in. She was holding a tray with some pills. Some water, and food. Suddenly I relized how hungrey I was and leaped for the tray. It was better then any food iv ever had here. Chiken noodle soup, fresh white bred, and chips. I could have died!
“Hear, to help you get back on your feet and better.” The nurse said and gave me the tray. I couldn’t help but gulp down the soup and devoure the bred and chips. It tasted so good, it was like eating for the first time. The food they normally gave us was under cooked, mosshy, or just disguting.
The nurse left me in peace to eat but not moments later did she come back to make sure I took the pills. I did and she left, but again another knock came on the door.
“My god who is it now?” I asked.
“Its me!!!” screeched Ashley.
I jumped. It was ahsley! Just the person I wanted to see. I ran to the door and stuck my head through the tiny window so I could se eher beautiful face.
“Hey!!”
“Why hello!” she greeted back. Her hair wasd combed today as if she got redy just to see me.
“Look!” she said and through her nails up to the wiondow. They were painted pink and her outfit form what I could see what neat and clean. She had a childish grin on her face and was as excited as a school girl. I could almost image her as a 5 year old.
“O Ashley there so pretty! Who did them?”
“Lillith, she had some polish and I asked her to paint them.”
“Why?” o questioned, “Why are you all…dressed, polished, you know, you don’t look like yourself. You look good though.”
She beamed, “Thanks, and this is all for you sunshine.”
“Me?”
“Yes you silly! When you get out of the box your gonna come back to my room and were gonna have a little party ok?” Her eyes pleaded. She really wanted me to come into her room for a party, I could tell. There was a plan within her and I was a nessacry in that plan.
“Ok.” I agreed and Ashley aqueeled and then skipped off as a nures arouched the door. I backed away from the door and the nurse shoved a key into the lock. With a screaktch the door opened and I felt like I was free. It was as if Dan didn’t even matter anymore, then I rembered, the pills. What had the even given me? I felt so stupid for not asking but then Ashley’s face peared around the corner and she motioned me towards her.
When we got to her room veryone was there hugging me and kissing me on the cheacks as if it were my brithday party. They keep asking me if it was aful and I keep saying it was, but I t really wasn’t. Though everyone said howe sorry they wree they put me in there and that I ddint belong in there but you could see it in their eyes what the ment. They respected me more then ever now because I had been locked up by myself for a whole night. That ment crazy which gave me a zillion brownie points.
But soon everyone left and it was down to me and sarah and Ashley. A nurse creaked opened the door to make sure we went up to anything and then left. Ahsley’s head kerked in sarahs direction and she spoke in friendly yet hatfulf annoyed tone.
“Sarah could you leave me and Kali alone for awhile?”
Sarah was bewildered but she nodded. Though when she reached for Ashley’s hand probley to kiss her Ahsley jerked her away.
“Is not the time sarah.” she simply said, not taking her eyes off me.
Sarah gave e a look of disgust but simply nodded again and walked out of the room but before she left Ahsley said, “Don’t come in and if someone trys to come in tell them to go away. If it’s a nurse then knock on the door.” Then she was gone and it was me and Ashley.
“Kali, you are beautiful you know that?” I felt myself blush and nodded as a thnk you but she didn’t stop there. “I missed you when you were gone in that room. But hell im glade u were put in there.”
I looked at her like she was crazy and I think she could see my bewidlerment because she started to explain. “People respect you more now because they think your…well…crazy! And now everyone will listen to you and giove you what you want. You and idol in their eyes Kali.”
I smiled at that thought. They though I was perfect, and idol, better then they would ever be. What I always wanted…Perfection.
Ashley drew closer to me and touched my hand and a sing ran through my body. She leaned forward and whispered in my ear.
“I always wanted you Kali and I have just been waiting for you to get rid of this dan, now my darling, with no more outside barriers and connetions you will blooom. Bloom in to the wild chikc I know is inside you.” She ran her fingers through my hair and kissed my neck. Normally would have pushed her away and told her she was disgusting and that I would never be a crazy girl. But I was being accepted here and there was no reason or waiting to get out. If Ashley wanted me then I was going to let her have me. Acceptance and perfections sometimes came at large cost.
Her fingers went from my hair down to my chin and she pulled me closer. We embraced into a kiss like no other. Her hands slipping off her shirt my hands slipping of hers. I was netrting thing not knowing a thing but Ashley she knew what to do. Her hands glided down to my waist and she pulled off the long white skirt I had on. Soon we were both Unclothed in a matter of seconds out mouths touching eacother in this and that place. Our breathing was fast and heavy and we wree giggling and laughing so loud I was wondering if sarah could hear. But then it came. The door swung open then immediately closed. Ashley stopped mid-kiss and and turned to see Sarah standing there, eyes filled with rage. Ashley only laughed and then spoke, “What you did you expect Sarah? Happily ever after in a mental hospital? Ha what a fairy tail the would be.” I giggled at that but silenced myself when I saw the hatred and saddness in Sarahs eyes. Ahsley stood up and walked towards Ahsley looking at her with such caring in her eyes. I could see sarah relax but out of no where Ashley smacked Sarah to the ground. And she laughed, laughed harder then iv ever seen her laugh. Sarah sat there staring up with confusion on her face as to why Ashley hit her. I was deeply confused about the whole seen. This was the life I wanted?
No.
Well…I asked for it.
…………………………..
Therapy was a nessacry today because of my little break down. I was actually looking forwars to theapry. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t feel as if my being crazy was so justified.
“Well Kali I assume you know why where having this extra session.”
I nodded. My eyes began to well with tears. I didn’t want to talk about Dan I wanted to talk about other things so I told Mrs. Manshue so and she just nodded as she took out her pen and paper pad.
“I’d…” I stammered, “ I’d like to talk about my sister.”
I know I said I would never metion Claries but memories of sister had flouded back to me these past few days. I had to talk about her to someone who wouldn’t really say anything. Just listen.
“I had started trowing up my food when I saw a modle on tv say she did. I always though of myself as fat…” I stared down at my stoamch. It was anything BUT fat. “But I really couldn’t keep it up but I tried anyway, and my sister caught me, more then once. She was so young she had no idea what was going on.” “Then onetime after she had noticed me trowing up she..” Tears began to fill my eyes again. IA brushed my cheek with fist and pressed on. “She died, she was hit by a car. After that I had forgotton about watching my weight and me being fat just kinda disappeared.” I reached back into my minf trying to think what happened after that. Then I tried to think why I was even telling Mr. Manshue this. “But a few years later I gusse some guy called me fat and I was so depressed and…well I had no reason to stop me. I think my sister was one of the reason I couldn’t trow up my food, I was afrid she would catch me. But after she died, there was just no reason no to.”
Mrs. Manshue was looking diretly at me seeming very puzzled.
“Kali you have never opened up like this before, helping us understand the state your in is one step closer to getting better. I feel that that’s all we need for today, I can see this has been a strain on you.” Mrs. Manshue gave a smile, capped her pen and stood up. She was right. Talking about my sister was tiring but I had to. We never talked about her at home and I just missed her so much. Talking about her always made me feel better. She was going to be such a beautiful girl one day. Oh how I wished I could embrace her! She would be so ashamed of me now. So ashamed.
……………………………….
Sarah didn’t sit with us a dinner and she didn’t speak to me all week. To tell you the truth I didn’t really care. It was just sarah. After diner I was in the living room sitting there with a ciggerette in hand when ahsley came in. I gleamed at her but tried not to let it show. She insisted on our raltionship being a secret so she still kissed sarah and made it seem as if they were still an item. But like I said, it was just sarah.
As Ashley moved across the room tawards me I could feel everyone wtching her in all her glory. Then she did the most unexpected thing. She kissed my check in front of everyone. I knew ashle didn’t want people to know about us. Her reasons were simple. She anted everyone to think sarah was still taken so only me and Ashley were the only ones getting pills from sarah. And we both knew sarah would still give us and only us the pills because she was hoping Ashley would come back to her. I saw her at night writing in her diary, I even read it once. Which was a Big mistake.
………………………..
There it was, just lying on her bed. Her diary. It was a moron color and the pages were gold. Her handwritting was beautiful and neat, musch better then mine. Her latest enrety expressed her hate for me in such detail I couldn’t help buty smile.
Dear Diary,
Ashley and Kali are the thing and I am no longer ashleys ball of fun. But she still comes to me when shes lonely and she still comes to me for pills. Only because she loves me. She has to just be using kalli for something. But that does not matter. O how I hate Kali! She has stolen the most prouseiouse thing in my life! Ahsley saved me form this mental hospital by showing me love and compassion and now…Its so different. I knew form the first day Kali came that she would be commatision I just knew it.
I want to slit there trat buts more so mine. I just want to die. But soon the moon shall be full and my vaptric powers shall come in handy. They say im crazy for believing im a vapire and that I can not drink my own blood but they are wrong. They do not see me when my power is great! And kali shall soon no she should have never messed with a daughter of the night…
I sat on my bed in deep confusion. She didntCut herself because she was upset but because she thought she was a vapire! My god she was crazy. I wonder why she kept it such a secret though. Maybe she was frightened of being crazy….
Just then the door opend and sarah walked in with lillith. I trhough the diary from my bed to hers before she even saw a thing but I no longer was the same around sarah. I watched her more and could tell she really thoughj she was a vampiare. What a basket case…
………………..
The night was silent except for the ocaasitonl cries but nothing unusel. I was always sitting on thid couch at night thinking, like I was some nocturnal animal. I had been drifinting off to the sound of the telivison in the backround when I herd a door shut and someone walk into the living room. The scent was unmistakable and the footsteps. Quiet like a mouses were as well.
“Kali…”
“Hey Rach.” I said keeping my eyes closed. Rachle often met me at night while I was on thei couch. We rarely ever spoke past the words “Hey” but it was always comferiing having her here.
“Kali I want to tell you something.” rachle whispered almost to softly to hear. I trned to face her always getting a feeling of dejavou when I looked at her face.
“Kali I know you probley don’t rember me but I rembere you.”
I suddenly came to life when she hinted to the fact that we had known eacotehr before the hospital.
“No Rachle, you always looked sp familiar.” She smiled and I added, “Who could forget such a face?”
That had made her blush. “Kali I was there the day you met Emily. I was the girl agansit the dumster with that guy..you rmeber?”
Sudenly I memmore flashed back into my head and I could see her face as clear as day.
“Yeah..” I answered, “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
Her sigh was so disturbing it sent chills down my spine. What could possibley be so wrong about knowing eacother before?
“No reason except I just never wanted to talk about Emily with you…I didn’t know what you would say.”
“Whats wrtong with Emily? Shes wonderful! I miss her..”
“How could you miss her!” she screamed. I jumped back at this reaction. I didn’t ever expect this out of quiet Rachel.
“She was nice and she was my friend, you got a problem with that?” I snapped trying to stare her down. But she stared right back.
“That girl put me here. She borught all this upon me ripping me from my innocence. I never relised that till after I came here but no one else felt the same wa about her as I did.”
“Who else was ever in this hospital that knew Emily.”
“I got out of the hospital andd had a run in with some old friends and tol them my feelings about Emily, they still belived she was..I don’t know..god or something.”
“Were you afraid I would reject you if I still loved Emily and you didn’t?”
She nodded. Apparentlu she didn’t like rejection.
“Well I do love Emily. And I know she will always love me.”
Rachle just shook her head. “She probley doesn’t even rember you anymore…”
“She damn well rembers me!” I reltalited. I didn’t want to talk about Emily anymore.
To many painful memories?
No I just…really miss her…
“Emily isn’t god kali and neither is Ashley,” then with such fire in her eyes she continued “And neither are you.”
I was left in a comlete daze as rachle walked off. I was the idol, I was as close to god as this hospital would get. And Emily, she was…beyond a God as was Ashley. Rachle didn’t know what she was rtalking about. I knew Emily would never forget me, never ever ever. And I would see her, I had to see her.
“Ashley, I want to escape.” I had practiced the line over and over in my head on how to tell Ashley I wanted to leave but not because I wanted to leave her. But how would I tell her? I couldn’t just simply say to her I wanted to leave because I didn’t. I just wanted to get away for awhile and see Emily. Tell her hello, tell her I love her, tell her she was a god.
But I couldn’t do it. Not yet, not NOW. Maybe later after id been her awhile. Then again what if Emily forgot me…
She’d never forget you darling don’t worry…
……………………………..
The alley was darker at night but when I walked in there was the same vibrating feeling of life spreading around. A fire was burning out of a trashcan and music was playing from a stero in the back. Some huddle by the firs while other hsot up at the dumster and tehn there was Emily dancing. She was so dirty, her hair in a tangle, the fire lighting her eyes. She reminded me of a gypsey at that moment watching her dance in the fire light, a goodess.
“Tis my sweet Kitty!” she called to me and purred. She liked to call me Kitty instead of Kali, I don’t think she ever called anyone by there real names. She always said the names she chose for people where much better because she knew them eeter then anyone.
I rushed over and hugged her as she hugged me back then kissing me tenderly. She disappeared into the back a pulled to people out with her. On was a boy about 6’2 and had shaggy brown hair. His eyes were an ugly shade of green, to bright for his face. His nose had a crooked shape to it as if it had been broken one time to many and his lips were full and red but not natural. He had bitten them most likely and were super swollen.
The girl looked similar ecept her nose and hair, but they both had the same bright bright green eyes that seemed to be staring into your soul.
“Kitty, this is Disco and Lala, Guys this is Kitty the one iv been raaaaaaaving about!”
I couldn’t help but blush. Emily went around introducing me to the ones I didn’t know. But the whole time I was just looking at Emily. Whnei was high she seemed so…god like. Her beautiful skin, those deep grey eyes. I loved her no doubt but sometimes it felt like I loved her more the Dan.
Just donr embrace the feeling..
But when your high nothing really seems to matter.
Emily and I were sitting togther by a dumpster. She was shooting heroine while I was taking a hit of a joint. It suddenly felt like I was spinning foreward and backwards.
“Shit.” was all I could really say.
Once Emily was done shooting she asked me how I felt.
“I feel like I’m Fwoating.” I giggled
“Fwoating?” Questioned Emily raising her right eyebrow.
I gave her my most serious face and spoke sternly, “Yes fwaoted.” I helped my cheeks in with my teeth and then Emily and I began to laugh so loud everyone just laughed with us. It wa a beautiful sight everyone laughing around a fire taking drugs which made them laugh even more. For a moment I wondered what it would be like without drugs…
“Laughter.”
“What?”
I reaped myself “Laughter, without drugs there would be no laughter.”
Emily snorted and stuck a ciarette in her mouth, “You got that right.”
We sat in silence for a few moments when Emily put her cig down and was whispearing and as soon as she did I knew this was a serious topic.
“Kali these last few weeks have been so amazing. When I saw you that day at the docks I knew who you were…you are the love of my life.”
We both took drags from from our cigs and she did what I wanted her to for a long time.
She kissed me, and I kissed back. And we kept kissing and kissing and drinking and smoking and dancing and kissing…
And laughing.
…………………………
A memory like that could not be forgotton which Is why I knew Emily rembered me. But I still wanted her scent, her tast, just her! And no matter how glorious Ashley was Emily would always be better.
You have to leave…
Yes I do.
…………………………
“Ashley im leaving and I need your help.
She just stared at me, probley serching deep for my intentions. At first her eyes where hollow pools of blue then suddenly they were filled with fire. But, as if nothing, she took a drag from her cig.
“Who ya gonna see?,” A half grin on her face, “Yer precious boyfreind?” a slight chuckle escaped her lips.
I said nothing.
“Jesus kid ligtne up!” and she stood from her chair. “Sure ill help ya, ‘least its something to do.”
Boy was she mad. She didn’t show it but I knew. I had to leave though and she understood that. Well, atleast I hoped she would. I mean didn’t she know what it was like? What It was like to love a drug. To love the silloutes of a bonfire, to love a women because she was beautiful. Because she was what you wanted to be, Junk.
But I could see in those hollow pools that no matter how much she understood why I had to leave she was still mad. She was probably mad because she wanted me all for herself. So I decided it would just be safe not to tell her that I was going off to see Emily.
“Im getting some air.” Her voice had shattered the silence. She was going to the windows, which were open since it was so hot.
“Before you go,” Ashley whispered, “I want you to know that I love you and if you think your going ot leave and find your old friends your wrong.” “ Crazy people, junkies, junk, whatever, don’t rember people, odnt cling to people, don’t care for people, don’t fall in love.”
An ash feel form her cigerette siloutted in the sunlight gleaming from the window to her right.
“They wont know you anymore Kali…You should get packing.” And like that she was off in her own world.
I knew what she said was a lie. She just didn’t want me to go. Id been here for 2 fucking months and was tired of wasting time. I wanted it all back, the scars, the bones, the drugs. The thrill! The excitement!
I finsishe my cig and went off to my room to pack. I stared back into the depths of my bag. Black clothes…cigs, lighters, chains. Yeah this may not who I was, but this is who I wanted to be.
What you have to be….
Yes, what I have to be.
………………………………........
Ashley was busy pacing in my room while I finished some packing. She was totally loosing her cool, smoking ciggarette after cigartte. . This wasn’t Ashley. Her hands were shacky as she lit her fith cigerette.
“Now don’t pack to much or you wont get out, and leave when sadie leave the nurses station to go for a smoke. She always leaves the key on the counter.”
“Why have you never left.”
Cigartte number 6.
“Iv escaped more then once my darling and I know whats going ot happen to you when you get out there. You will fall and you will crumble kali because its obvious you don’t know who you are and you will do whatever it takes for that taste of belonging.”
She paused to finish her cigarette and then lit another one.
Damn.
“Yeah I know what your intentions are Kali im not stupid, I use to be like you.”
“what the fuck are you talking about?”
She snorted, “Kali don’t play dumb I was the same way when I came. And I escaped but that’s exactly why I came back. I learned that junkies are junk and don’t give a shit about people or you.”
“Emily cares.” I mrumered.
“Fuck kali Emily doesn’t give a rats ass for you! Shes got drugs and your gone. She thinks you’re a junkie! And junkies go and comes as they please. You don’t get attached to people when you junk kali.”
“Ashley if you don’t fucking want me to go then fine ill stay but u don’t need to say all this shit that’s just…crap.”
Her face was striken with anger and she let out a frustrating sigh.
“That’s not the point”, her voice was low and evil, “The point is kali your not crazy, your not junk, your not fucked up kalie! Your fucked because everyone wants you to be and when you get out of…”
“Im not faking this!” I snapped.
“Im not and idiot Kali! Iv been around the fucking block more times then you ever will and I know, of I know people like you. You wanna be crazy! FINE! But you see where that gets you.”
Ashley stomped out of my room and I knew she would not come back. It didn’t matter anyhow. I knew what I had to do and I couldn’t let myself get all worked up over Ashley. Like I said compared to Ashley, Emily was a godess.
……………….
That night I stood by the doof frame of my room waiting for Sadie to leave for her smoke. As expected Sarah was non stop talking about what I was doing would never work.
“Your going to get caught.” she nagged.
“Ashley didn’t.” I took a drag from my cig.
“Well your not Ashley, and when you get caught I wont feel any sympathy for you.”
I laughed at the thought. “You only hate me because Ashley likes me better.” I turned to her. She was sitting on my bed in pink pony Pjs with pnly a bra on. Trying to show off what scars she has.
Trying.
“Face it sarah, the only reason you stay in this place is for attention and I stole the spotlight from you. And if you havnt notice leaving gets u just as much attention.
“Only if you come back.” she murmured.
Yeah…I was still thinking about that.
Sarah smirked and took a drag from her cigarette just as shley would.
“Your one crazy bitch you know that?”
I didn’t look back to answere her. I grabbes my bag and headed out the door. | | |
| More story!!!!! thanks for the comments and e-mails and everything guys, heres some more story for you.
The night seemed to always sweep over the hospital earley even though it was 11 o-clock it just seemed earlier. Or later, I didn’t really know. There really was no time in a mental hospital.
Id been here two days and I alreyd didn’t rember the time, day, month. Then again I don’t think I ever rembered those things when the drugs started.
I paced back and fourth through the living room, not ever being able to sleep. My body was shaking and I had the worst stomach ach in the world. I had eaten three meals today and I coudnt trow them up because the bathrooms were always full. But now they were empty and people were asleep in there beds, and I paced. The arugment in my head went back and fourth like there were to different people in there.
“Just go a puke! Look! Look how FAT you are!! Your not going to let this stupid hospital control you are you?”
“Now wait just one second! Do we not rember why we are even in this mess? I t because of purging you’re here darling! don’t u rember”
“O come on! that’s not why you’re here and you know it! Your mom sent you here because she thinks your crazy. But your not! Even Dan said so!”
“Dan’s not a doctor! Face it Kali, your on the verge of insaness! I mean you have a green braclette! You almost got put on level 2 with the crazies!”
“O but Kali you want to be loved don’t you? Everyone in here loves being crazy. You don’t want to be left out do you? Come one. Prove to them you really deserved that green braclete. Show them you like being crazy.”
“I thought you said she wasn’t crazy?”
“Does it matter what I said? LOOK! SHES DOING IT! SHES DOING IT! YES!!”
“O Kali..O Kali…”
I walked into the stall and shuting the door behind me locking it slowly. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster and faster. I thought it would jump out of my chest. I heaved forward and stuck my finger down my traot. I pushed with all my might shoving my finger down farther but nothing happened. So I banged my arm against the door, scraping it, hitting it harder and harder. Soon I began scratching myself with my finger nails, harder and hardeer till I bled.
“So this is what its come to Kali..O Kali..”
The blood dripped down my arm and I felt a feeling of belonging. Belonging here, being with these people. But not because I was crazy, I didn’t need to be here. But I wanted to be here.
(no you don’t Kali! You don’t need to do this)
I needed to keep lying to myself. It was the only was I could keep sane. Or keep insane. O I was so confused.
I walked back to my room and signing back in the time I came from the living room. Inside the room smelled like cinnamon gum and incense. The closet was opened revealing me and Sarah clothse. It was real packed for a closet. I didn’t want to unpack, it just made it seem like I would be staying. But then again I probably would be staying. You know, because of my mother, not because I’m crazy.
Why do I keep telling myself I’m not crazy?
I layed on my bed thinking of old times. When life was so easy, like middle school. When me and jenny had been friends, and Dan and I finally kissed.
When we could have sleepover without anyone thinking we were lesbians, o only have to spend an hour on homework. I took those days so for granted. I took everything for granted. Mom, jenny, Dan. I mean god just last week I was in school, now, in the blink of an eye, I’m in a mental hospital.
Funny how things work out.
Where was Dan when I needed him. I decided to think about Dan, to loose myself in a day dream. Take myself away form this place.
He was so tall, 6’4. Obviously on the basketball team. His sandy blonde hair was shaggy so you could barley see his eyes. His beautiful shining brown eyes. The way they stared at me made me weak in the knees. He had strong arms and legs and a nice six pack. He was so beautiful, just so beautiful….
…………………………….
“Dan where are we going?” I asked as Dan drove me to a place unknown. I was blindfolded but I could see Dan in my head. His blonde hair over his eyes as he was driving. The sweet smell of cologne filled the car. His finger were laced in mine, rubbing my thumb in a soothing motion. I love him so much!
“Shhh don’t as question Kali. You will see when we get there.”
We had been driving in his Blue neon for about an hour. I was to excited to be sitting down this long. I felt the car stop and turn. He was parking.
“Where here.” he said and took my blind fold off.
“Oh my..!” I gasped. We were parked under a willow tree in front of a lake. The moonlight shining on the water making it look like a pool of diamonds.
“Dan..I..I don’t know what to say.”
He turned toward me, his hair waving with the wind. Dans eyes looked deeply into mine holding my hand. I could look away and I didn’t dare let go.
“Say you love me.” he said, “Say you’ll love me forever.”
“I love you Dan,” I said. My voice lowered and I leaned forward, “And I always will.”
The kiss was like no other. It was filled with such love, such passion, nothing I had ever felt before. His lips went from my lips to my neck making it hard to think or concentrate on anything else. I was so weak and I leaned back, him with me. Suddenly he sat up. I was ready to grab him and just kiss him and never let go of his lips until he said “Come one get out of the car.”
So I did and he pulled a blanket out with him and laid it on the grass. The way the moon hit him made him look so beautiful, so lovely. So sexy.
We cuddle next to each other on the blanket but it wasn’t to long before we were kissing again, on top of each other, rolling around in the moonlight.
I didn’t realize his hand had slipped up my shirt. Before I knew it neither of us were wearing anything. Our body’s touching creating such a passion. Such a beautiful, beautiful passion….
………………….
The alarm screamed in my ears in the mist of my dream. I slammed it with such force and anger that alone woke Sarah up. She looked alarmed and frightened and asked “What the heck was that!?”
“nothing..” I muttered and stormed off to the showers. I wanted to Dan. I needed Dan. There was no life without Dan. No life at all. I had said that about drugs once. But I loved Dan more then drugs. Didn’t I?
Didn’t I?
I think its better I didn’t know the answer to that question.
My therapist made it clear that today would be productive unlike last time, when I just stat there and stared at the wall counting the minutes. Mrs. Manshue had a green sweater on the made her boobs look slanted and ugly. It was a long turtleneck and looked very itchy. But she didn’t itch, or scratch, or move. She sat perfect. Perfect.
Got to be perfect Kali…
“Alright Kali first I really want to know about home. What goes on at home?”
“Home…” I had forgotten what home was like. A nice bed, a room of my own, school everyday, better food. Home. It had its disadvantages but hey? What didn’t? Did I do this because of home? No not home, not anything, not nothing. I did this because I was crazy. No reason, I was just crazy. Well maybe not, but I don’t want anyone else to know the real reason. Even if I knew the real reason I still wouldn’t tell.
“Well at home its just me and my mom. Dad left when I was only 2.”
I didn’t want to tell her about my sister, not now, not ever.
“I see, I know what its like without a dad, mine dies when I was 8.” Mrs. Manshue said. For a moment I though she would be the one in tears and I would be the comforter. But she gathered herself and smiled.
O yeah I was never telling her about my sister.
“What else? How about school?”
without even thinking I said, “school demands perfection.” I could feel Mrs. Manshue looking at me, maybe feeling as if she had a reason for why I did this and thought“ oh well lets just home school the girl and she’ll be fine!” But school wasn’t it. School wasn’t why. I honestly never thought I was fat therefore making people wonder “well then why be bulimic?”
Well why not?
I don’t want attention either, I just wanted to and I was always looking for excuse to be that way.
What? Kali what the hell are you saying? God you really are crazy. Who wants to be bulimic? Who wants to cry themselves to sleep and have there soul tortured and be hooked on drugs? Christ who wants that?
I did?
Lack of heroin was really hurting me. My body wouldn’t stop shaking and I hurt all over. I was to cold, or to hot. I had a fever of 103 that just wouldn’t go down. I was ready to die. My first weeks here was hell and I needed drugs. I was dying, dying, slipping away.
I made a noose with my blanket.
Our beds had bars on them and I had a stool. I could easily turn the bed vertically so the bars would look down and tie the noose to that. Then I would stand on the bathroom stool and wrap the noose around my neck then kick the stool away. It was perfect, the most perfect escape.
I was all reedy, my hands under the bed about to turn it upright when there was a knock at the door. At first I thought I imagined it because it was so silent. But then again the knock came.
“Kali? Kali its Lillith. You got. You got a letter.”
Lillith was one of the twins who needed gloves. Lillith’s twin didn’t need them as much though because well…I didn’t know. Gosh I knew nothing.
“Well slip it under the door and go away!” I shouted coldly.
She hesitated by the door and then finally slipped the envelope under. I soon as I saw it I knew immediately who it was from.
Dan.
Me and Dan… Dan and me…letter from Dan.
Why didn’t mom write?
Mom, mom, mom, mom. Why did she send me here? What had she said?
“You need help Kali.”
“Mom I’m fine! Look I wont do it anymore it was a one time thing.”
“Ha! One time? According to your arm it was not just a one time thing!”
“Mom…”
“Kali iv had it! Your going that’s it!”
I didn’t need any help. I wasn’t crazy. There was nothing wrong with me. What I did wasn’t crazy. People may think its crazy but its not. Its fun, it perfection. What I do is my business. What I do is perfectly normal. Well almost. Not really. But being here was useless and even if I was crazy that’s not all this was. It was life. It was a story. It was what I wanted. Its what Iv always wanted.
The letter from Dan was short. He explained how things were back home and how at school they had 3 assemblies on self injury, eating disorders, and drug abuse. All because of me. But what really shocked me about Dan’s letter is what he said at the end.
Kali your not crazy but I see know you need to be where you are. Its for your benefit. Your having trouble and in understand that. I just want you to get better baby.
Love Dan
So much for being on my side. Now everyone at home thought I was crazy. Great just great..
He doesn’t think your crazy! He just wants you to get help.
O you don’t need any help! You were fine before! You weren’t hurting before. Things were better before, better then this. Before you were in the tree tops Kali. Things were going great. Name one thing that went wrong.
I could name a lot of things that went wrong. I went from happy to depressed and more angry. I lost a lot of friends. I dropped out of clubs. My grades went down. I lost what little I had with my mother. Everything was gone. You don’t think straight when you do things, things like what I did. All you think about is now and what your doing and how good it feels. How good it is to be thin and how much better it is to stress about blood on the sheets then grades. And how great it feels to be flying on drugs. But you don’t think about what happens if someone hears you in the bathroom one lonely night. Just like Claries. My sister had herd me one night. She’s 10 and was confused and thought I was sick. And I made her lie. I lied to her. So many lies…
………………………
“Kali? Are you sick?”
My head jerked up for m over the toilet. There in her nightgown was my younger sister. Just standing there a panic in her eyes.
“O claries I’m sorry did I wake you?” did I wake you? For Christ sales what was wrong with me I sound like some adult.
“Yeah… what’s wrong?”
“Nothing I just have a tummy ach.” I painted the best smile upon my face that I could. I was hoping she couldn’t see through me. She was pretty smart for a 10 year old.
She gave me a puzzled look and then weakly smiled. “Ok.”
I kneeled and placed my hand on my knee, “ Come on lets get you to bed. Oh and don’t tell mommy about this ok?”
“Why?” So innocent. Oh so innocent.
“Because,” I said thinking ad quick on my feet as I could, “ I..I think moms cooking made me sick. She might be upset if she finds out her cooking made me sick.” Another smile to hold that lie together.
“Ok” Claries said and smiled. I tucked her in that night and gave her a little kiss on her head. She was so sweet, she was so so sweet.
“Kali?” She asked. Her blonde curls rested in her eyes and in the dark she was still a shinning beauty, for a 10 year old that is.
“Yeah?” the door knob was in my hand. I wanted to get out for awhile ASAP. I NEEDED a smoke and I didn’t know how much longer I could wait.
“Mmm never mind.” I watched her in the dark as she rested her head on her pillow.
She was so sweet.
………………………..
About a week after that I got called to the office in the middle of class. My mom and my principle were there. The principle had such sadness in her eyes while my mom stared blankly into a wall. Just staring counting the minutes. She was upset, the room was upset. It was so cold.
It was so cold.
“Kali,” said my principle in a soft caring voice, “your sister..”
I knew it as soon as I stepped in the room what had happen. I could tell by the look in my mother eyes, the way the room was so cold.
So cold.
Claries was dead. Apparently when she was walking across the street with a friend a car came and you know the rest. Her friend moved out of the way in time but claries didn’t. Snow was starting to fall and I stared out the window. The snow fell faster and slower and faster, and the room was so cold.
So cold.
I never talked about my sister after that. No once. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night when it was cold and think of her. Her funeral was cold. The day she dies it snowed. She loved snow. She loved everything.
And I loved her.
Its not like I want to forget her. I always make it seem that I do but I don’t. That’s not what I want. I remember I freaked out once when I forgot what she looked like. But that didn’t last long. I would never forget my sister. My only reason to live, be good, move on. But when she dies mom became distant and so did I. Days went by in blurs, time itself went faster and faster. By the time I entered 9th grade, a year after her death, school was much harder. And there just wasn’t any more motivation. That’s why I never stopped throwing up. I tried to stop. For awhile I didn’t throw up but this year things went spiraling again. So there was nothing left to stop me form doing anything. From throwing up, doing drugs, slitting my wrist. Killing myself. There was Dan.
Dan. There was Dan. But Dan….
Dan is different.
Why do I do this?
Why?
Why?
WHY DO YOU DO THIS KALI!!!!
“I don’t know..” I whispered to myself, “I just don’t know.”
……………….
It had been three weeks and I was waiting for Dan. Today was the day he was suppose to come. By now I was use to the hospital and all its little corks. By this time me and Ashley were like glue and Sarah was the third wheel. Only there for Ashley because, well… you know. I could never be a lesbian, no matter how long im put away in this hospital. I had Dan I didn’t need some chick. Suddenly the nurse cam in who handle mail and escorted visitors.
And there. With the Nurse was…
A letter?
“Kali!” the nurse called, “Letter for you.”
I grabbed the envelope and tore it open. It was a letter from Dan. I thought it was a letter saying he needed to reschedule. But o was I wrong, so so wrong.
Dear Kali,
There’s no easy way to put this but I think we should break up.
Well take a break.
I love you so much Kali and I want you to get better. I don’t want to get in the way of that. I just want you to concentrate on that and not on me, or looking forward to seeing me, or getting mail of mine. I just want you to get better babe. Please…I’m real sorry babe this is just the way it has to be, for now anyway.
You know I still love you. Until you get better…
Dan.
I could feel tears swelling in my eyes. Ashley and Rachel were beside me. (Me and rachel had become good friends in a silent type way.)
My hands were shaking and I dropped the ltter but Ashley caught it in mid air.
“bastard.” I whispered. And tears suddenly feel from my eyes like a waterfall.
“O shit.” Ashley sympathized, “ Babe..”
“BASTERED!” I screamed. I slid down on to the floor shaking inside myself. I was crying hysterically and between gasp I would scream “BAAASTERED!” Though I was more upset at myself..
If only you were perfect..
Are you fucking nuts? I tried to be perfect and he broke up with me!
Well…maybe if you weren’t so crazy.
“IM NOT FUCKING CRAZY!” I yelled and banged my knuckles onto the floor. I was just pounding away when a few of the nurses came up and grabbed me and dragged me. Farther and farther until they had opened the little door in the hallway. I was in the room alone so I could scream but I knew, o I knew everyone could here me.
……………………………….............................................
After my tears had bee drained I found out I would have to spend the night in solitary confinement, they called it. Just in case.
“In case what?” I questioned The head nurse whose was in charge of every ward. She had to be up to her eye balls in crazy people.
“Well,” she whispered. I think she knew the others where outside the door listening, trying to hear. Not to be nosy I knew. I knew Ashley was listening to see how crazy I was, to see if I was really worthy of her friendship. Yeah, a very odd and crazy friendship. Sarah, o she was listening good to. She didn’t want to be my shadow, she wanted to be Ashley’s star. She wanted to make sure I was sane, well more sane then her anyways. And rachel, well I didn’t know why she would be listening. But I think she was. There was something so weird about her. I knew her somehow, like we had meet before, and if we had she sure hadn’t reminded me.
“You see,” said the head nurse snapping me back into reality., “We know you have a history of hurting yourself darling and we just…want to keep you as safe as possible.”
Keep me safe? HA! Locked in here with my thoughts, all alone. They call that safe. I think they where the crazy ones.
“Look cant I just get out to use the ba…”
“There’s a toilet right there.” she answered pointing to a small rusted toilet in the back of the blue dark room. The room had no light and no windows except for the one on the door. I was practically blind. The toilet was a rusted old white one and the handle sort of hung off. The toilet paper would probably be like napkins. My bed, which we were both sitting on, had springs popping out in all sorts of places. The covers where wool and very itchy. I didn’t know how this would help. You’d think they’d make it more comfortable, or a little more light. I herd about people who become depressed during winter because it gets so dark to early. Isn’t it weird the more suicides probably happen during Christmas? Perfect time to die!
The head nurse stepped out of my room an left me alone. I could hear her shooing everyone off telling them to head back to there rooms and that tonight everyone had to stay in there rooms. I could hear all the girls moaning at this punsishment they were getting on my expense. I could have cared, and normally I would have, but I didn’t. My mind was racing with thoughts and I wish my brain woud just shut up for awhile. It was like a war taking place in my head.
See? You went to far. You did this to yourself.
Shut up! This is not my fault…there is some pycological mubo jumbo to this.
No. ecept for the fact that your CRAAAAAAZY!
Im not crazy.
Your not perfect either.
Why?
Why what?
Why do I have to be perfect.
Kali you don’t have to do anything. But you have alredy implanted the thought “Must be perfect” in your head, and theres no stopping you anymore.
That why im here? To stop thinking that?
You will never stop Kali.
Why? Please just let me rest.
YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT!
I CANT!
YOU CAN! AND YOU WILL!
I CANT!
Yes Kali you can. Your so close…
Close? Im in a fucking MENTAL HOSPITAL!
Just shut up for a mintue…
I cant be perfect…
Yes you can..
No..
Were going to get out of here Kali..there waiting for you.
Who?
Gotta be perfect Kali.
I cant
YOU WILL!
“I CANT!!” I Screamed to the wall, “ I CANT!”. I had gotton louder now and I began banging the mattress in frustration. Why did this happen to me? I just wanted out of this..this prison. Not the hospital, this mental prison I had created. These bars of pefection. These rules or forming to what everyone wanted. Feeling no emotion and having to hide what I did feel. Having to hide everything. Feeling so trapperd..
……………………
“Babe can you go get me some soda to?” Dan asked. I had just anncoed I was going to get a soda and had freesed myself form Dans grip. He and I had just been sitting togther on this couch when it had happened like every time we saw eacother. He had had me in his hold kissing my lips feeling more out of it then I thought I ever would. This feeling came sometimes when it was me and Dan. This feeling of being trapped in a box of kissing because it was what people did, its what he wanted. And if I was with him shouldn’t I want it to? Now don’t get me wrong I loved Dan bu there were times were I just didn’t want this. All this kissing and stuff. I don’t see what was wrong with just sitting on the couch snuggling.
I got up and headed toward the kitchen. Music was blaring form my room where Dan was, sitting on my couch in my room. I could here him moving around propley going to change the Cd. From the kitichen I herd the music and it rang in my head taking me deep within my self…
“your miserable when he is close, so take another drink, another drink will numb the senses.”
Tears streamed down my face. Some dropped into my coke but the wasn’t my concern. I could feel the pressure beating down on me.
You don’t want to loose him so be with him.
No. I just wanted to tell him that I didn’t want all this pressure. I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want all this passion without meaning. I wanted it to be more then something we did because its what hormones said to do. I just wanted out…
Dan’s footsteps banged down the stairs like elephants feet. I wiped the tears and handed him his coke. We drank and spoke briefly but he couldn’t tell I was upset. I even looked him in the eyes and he couldn’t see it. Why couldn’t he? I wanted him to. Even though if he said is something wrong I would deny there was as always, But I wanted him to ask. And it hurt when he put his dish in the washer and moved back upstairs and asked me to come, and I did. I followed him up to my room and laid on my bed with him and we kissed. And we fooled around, and I just thought of nothing, becoming numb to it all. I didn’t want this.
And later when we had slowed down I stopped being upset and I was happy. Soon I wanted to be with Dan and did not feel an ashamed trapped feeling. But later on when I felt his touch on my face it brought tears right back to my eyes…
…………………………..
I loved Dan but I was always so ashamed of sexuality. It always made me feel so...distant and sad. I hated it and sometimes just wished there was no such thing as sex, and fiery passion. I just wish there was hand holding and kissing but no more. I never understood and I still don’t, why I always got this way. Well not always but a lot. My thoughts, and memories filled my head and I just wanted to sleep and think of nothing at all.
Though that was never an option. | | |
| Thank you all who read my story and left lovly comments. in the next day or two i will post some more. im not gonna post the whole thing at one time because that would be alot to read in one entry. ill prbably do 12 pages at a time. for those of you whose this is first time at my xanga im wrting a story and to start from the begingng go to the first post. heres the next 12 pages.
In the morning I awoke To the sound of the door to my room being opened. Then silently closed. I turned only my head to read the digital clock. The red letters blinked 7:00. My head looked over to the other side or the room. Sarah was already up and getting her shower stuff ready.
“Who was at the door?” I asked.
Sarah turned her eyes had a certain glow to it, a glow that wasn’t there yesterday.
“It’s the nurses. They come in at 7 to wake us up because breakfast is at nine and they want to give us time to take showers and things.” She said and skipped happily out to go to her shower.
As I said in the living room there where to hallways. Plus the hallway the lead the living room. The first hallway in the living room lead to the criteria and the showers, and there was a door. When I asked Sarah about it her eyes went back and fourth in suspicion and whispered, “We don’t go in there.” and then showed me the bathrooms.
On the second hallway There where 4 doors. To where for therapy, the other was the art/music room. And last was an exercise room. But not the kind you would see at the gym or something. You could go there and stretch or to fun sway or something. I would never be going there.
I sat up, a little to quickly might I add, and my head began to spin and pound. I gathered my things and headed to the shower. My room was pretty far from the living room and I found it embarrassing to walk all the way to the showers form my room look ing like I do in the morning. No one else seemed to care.
Once I got to the shower room it looked so much different then it had the night before. It was full of so much life. The air was filled with moisture and girl were wiping the mirror so they could see there reflecting, checking themselves out. Most of them had blue bracelets.
I needed a shower more then ever. My head wouldn’t stop banging and my whole body ached. I hadn’t had any drugs for 4 days except that cigarette. I don’t think my body was use to that. Plus I was hungry. I was never hungry. I wanted to eat but I really couldn’t because my stomach hurt. But I was hungry. I really need a shower.
The first shower that opened I jumped into. The water was warm as it beat down on my face, my shoulders. I felt so clean, so fresh. It was a good feeling. After I washed my hair I lingered a bit under the warm water, just listening to the water fall on to the orange tile. IT made me think o f rain. Rain, I had taken rain so for granted. And now I wouldn’t be able to see it for along time. I wouldn’t be able to see anything for along time.
I let my tears mix with the warm water but held my breathe so those who where still in here couldn’t hear me crying. I wasn’t going to let anyone think this hurt me. Nothing hurt me. I was and always will be perfect. Perfect people don’t cry.
Nor do they end up in mental hospitals.
I wrapped a yellow towel around myself as I stepped out of the shower. No one was left in the bathroom except one girl lingering by the shower. Her bracelet was red and blue. She did both, I thought being a green was having to things? Did Sarah lie to me? But why? Id ask her later along with some other things.
The girl looked very shy and very very skinny. Her hair was died blonde, her roots where starting to show. Her eyes where green but when she put in her contacts they where a aqua green blue color. Her boobs where probably the biggest In the ward and her lips where red and full. She obviously wanted to be perfect to. The perfect Model. Blond hair, blue eyes, big boobs, and thin. I wonder if she ever was a model?
“Hey.” I said and set my things down on the counter next to the sink.
“Mmm.” she answered, she was busy with her contacts.
When she got the both in I was brushing my hair. It smelled of warm vanilla, my shampoo.
“You’re a green eh?” The girl asked. She pulled up her shirt to show me how skinny she was. “I’m a blue, well red to. I pill popped laxatives.”
She was immensely skinny. It made me jealous to the core. I wanted to be thing like that, even if it did seem a bit to thin.
“How much do you weigh?” I asked still gazing at her bony thin stomach.
“90 ,But only cause I have to.”
90 pounds wow! She had to be about 5’6. I was 5’4 and weighed 100 and had trouble keeping it that way. But why did she have to weigh 90. As if she were reading my mind she continued, “I use to be a level 3 in ward 3 because I weighed 70. Slowly I went from a level 3ward 3 to level 1ward 3.” She had a weak smile on her face and laughed silently to herself and she started at the colors on her bracelet. I let her linger and reminisce alone, I knew she wanted to.
By the time I left the showers dressed and ready it was 8:45. I had only 15 min till breakfast. Good I had time.
Yesterday I noticed that the nurse give out medicines for those who need it, and mostly everyone does. I got some to but they were just sleeping pills. Who wants sleeping pills?
I thought that if I asked the nurse for some Advil because I was sick that maybe she would give it to me every 2-4 hours. I would tongue the pills and then later take them all. It would at least stop my body from slightly twitching, I hadn’t gone this long without drugs before in my life. My hopes sunk when I saw Dina at the nurse station. She was older and problem knew the tricks and mine was pretty elementary.
“Mrs. Dian?” I asked. She looked up form her magazine and set it down, folding her arm across her chest.
“Yes Ms. Kali?”
“Could I possibly have some Advil. I wasn’t feeling well when I came and Advil always makes me feel better.”
She smiled, “ well darlin let me check.” Her chair turned on its wheels towards a file cabinet. She pulled out a file and in green in big letters were my installs. Dian pulled out a paper form the file and skimmed it over quickly.
“Noo says here you had some drug problems.”
I blushed but between my embarrassment I asked, “So? What does that have to do with anything?”
Dina rolled her chair closer and looked into my eyes.
“Your doctor wants your to go cold turkey. So the only thing your suppose to get is sleeping pills.”
Cold turkey! She had to be kidding! How many people went cold turkey and survived? This was ridiculous. I stormed off mad as a hatter looking for Sarah. I knew she had some sort of drugs. I also wanted the truth about this green bracelet.
Sarah was eating when I got to the cafeteria. I got in line and got a little bit of fruit and pancakes. But only cause I had to. I sat at one of the two tables for our ward next to Sarah. On the other side of her was Ashley and next to Ashley was the girl I had met in the showers that morning. The rest of the people were people who didn’t know or even meet yet. I recognized one girl though. She had come up to me about the green bracelet. Her kool aid red hair was now purple. They must give her kool aid to dye her hair if she asked. She had more freedom then most of us did. She had a white bracelet.
Sarah was eating her pancakes and joking with everyone when intervened.
“So Sarah?” I asked “Where do you get the pills? Because I know they don’t give you any I watched last night those who went up for things and those who didn’t. They don’t even give you sleeping pills.”
Sarah looked at me and a smiled crawled upon Ashley’s face.
“I like you style girl. Your smart for only being 18.” I looked up. How did Ashley know my age?
She smiled noticing the confusion on my face, “I pay attention to.”
Sarah was about to leave the table but I grabbed her arm before she could escape.
“Sarah you lied to me about the bracelets, I know, and I know your taking pills. I’m not stupid.”
She was thinking whether she anted to tell or not, swaying back and fourth until she finally sat down.
“Aright fine,” she said slamming her tray down, “So I lied. But only because I could tell your not very proud of being crazy.”
She was wrong. I wasn’t crazy
“You see, green means your done a lot of stuff probably even more but no one really knows. Green means your on the verge of being sent to ward 3 level 3 or level 2”
Ashley’s eyes gleamed, “I had been sent to level 3 once. It was absolutely marvelous. I promise to take you one time.” she said and smiled.
Even though I didn’t want to go to level 3, going with Ashley seemed fun and exciting. I could help but smile. People where getting up form other table and leaving and suddenly When Ashley stood up everyone did. We silently put our trash and treys away and went back to the living room. On our way we passed the bathrooms, there familiar orange titles, then we passed the door. Everyone kept going but I stopped to look at the door. It was a large metal door. The handle was cold and there was a window on the door. I stood on my tip toes and peered through the window. Inside it was a blue room with a single mattress, a table, a toilet, and a sink. It was like some kind of jail cell. I shivered hoping I would never end up in there and caught up with the others.
I looked at the dry erase bored and one thing had been added to my schedule. Group, which happened to be next. Everyone one ward 3 level one would go and wed talk about how we felt. But it wasn’t the same if you talked about how you feel with the girls and a counselor be there. No one would say what they really meant, they would say what they had to. To get better.
To get out.
Plastic chairs where placed in circles when we went back o the living room. A nurse by the name of Lauren was sitting in a orange plastic chair with her attendance book. I took a seat in between Ashley and Sarah, feeling almost right at home.
“Aright then everyone we have a new on here today, Kali, everyone where going to around the circle and introduce ourselves to kali so she doesn’t feel lonely at her stay here.”
We went in a clockwise order. The first girl was a fat girl who ate to much and Ashley told me she normally kept to herself. The girl next to her was the one who liked to die her hair many colors.
“She getting out soon,” said Ashley, “But only cause she fucks her therapist. Everyone knows she’s insane and doesn’t even belong I this ward.”
I stared at the girl with purple hair. She had a nasty habit of picking at the skin on her fingers and biting her nails while she talked. Her name was Jessica. Her eyes dated this way and that as if she were afraid of something. She thought long before she spoke. I don’t think she wanted to slip up. After all, she was getting out soon.
There were 5 girls in front of Sarah, then me, then Ashley, and one more girl. The girl from the showers.
The rest of the girls had either red or blue bracelets or a mix. Only 1 had purple but they were a different rare form the greens. If you were a purple it was like shame. Those who did drugs and got sent to a mental hospital most likely had money and lived in suburbia. They thought they were cool doing there drugs. The rest of them, well us, thought they were shit. That what Ashley had told me. She showed me the roped, how things worked. I had to keep these things in mind if I wanted to be the queen of the place.
There were 11 of us all together. 2 green bracelets, 1 purple, 2 blue and red, 3 red, and 2 blue. O yeah and one white. But she really didn’t count. She’d be gone soon anyways.
I had no intention of befriending the girl with the purple bracelet. I could already tell he would be bad for my reputation here. Plus I knew she wouldn’t have any drugs. They most likely made her go cold turkey to. Her name was carol. The fat girl with the blue bracelet was Danielle. The other girl with a blue bracelet was super skinny and her name was Mary Beth.
Lillith and Sasha where sisters and the both had red bracelets. The were twin sisters. That’s how I knew right away they were sisters. The one girl with a blue and red bracelets name was Lilly. She had gloves on her hands so she would scratch at herself. The to sisters had gloves to.
But the girl from the showers, she didn’t say her name. She just looked around the circle wit her aqua eyes, pulling her sleeve down with her thumb and four finger. Obviously I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t proud to be “crazy”.
But I wasn’t really crazy. She was ashamed of being crazy, but I wasn’t. But that’s cause I’m not crazy.
“I don’t like my name..” said the girl. Her voice trailed off, her breathing was a steady motion. I watched her chest. In, out, in, out.
“Well come on know if u don’t tell them I will!” Lauren said as she skimmed down her attendance bored searching for shower girls name.
She was silent as she watched Laurens finger trace itself down the paper.
“Rachel. What a pretty name.”
She didn’t seem to hear her. She didn’t even seem to be here.
“Well Kali why don’t you tell us about yourself?” asked Lauren.
This grabbed Rachel’s attention. She waited for my answer, she eve n seemed to be holding her breathe. What was she staring at me for? I looked into her eyes as I answered. “I’m here because..” I turned away form Rachel and looked at everyone. Everyone was staring at me waiting, but not like Rachel was. No one watched like Rachel.
“I’m here because I’m bulimic, I self injure, and do some drugs here and there,” I held up my arm revealing my green bracelet, “ but I think most of already knew that.”
People laughed and I even saw Rachel smile. I was happy to make her smile. How weird it sounded I felt like I knew her somehow. But I couldn’t think of how, or where I had seen her face. But I know I had and the more I thought about I knew somewhere inside of me I knew who she was.
Somewhere.
Deep down somewhere.
Ashley was off to therapy would Dr. Longstate. He was Jessica’s therapist. He did look like a man who was hungry for sex.
Didn’t matter where it came from.
I was off to therapy with Dr. Manshue. It was pronounced man shoe. I couldnt help but laugh.
Sarah would be on her own for and hour while me and Ashley where in therapy so she went to socialize with the twins. The one with gloves on there hands. Sarah had a red bracelet where were her gloves?
Mrs. Manshue’s office was a moron color and resembled the guidance consolers office. Pictures and degreed form collages hung all on the walls. The only difference between Mrs. Manshue’s office and the guidance consolers was the color.
Walking in the office made me wish I had a shield. I didn’t want Mrs. Manshue to know the true me. She might tell the others. Tell the others That I didn’t find it cool to be in here at this hospital and how I thought they were crazy for having a gay old time here. I didn’t want her to know I was ashamed of..
Ashamed of what?
“Well Mrs. Kali,” Mrs. Manshue said breaking my train of thought, “ what’s the problem?”
I could have laughed.
Could have.
……
After therapy I went back to my room and I figured I would just think for an hour until I had to go to lunch. I didn’t really feel like going anywhere else.
There was a knock on my door and before I could say come in Dina was there holding a letter.
“Its for you.” she said.
I got off my bed and rushed towards the envelope. Was it?
Yes.
A letter from Dan. But why didn’t he come? Why wasn’t he here?
“Why couldn’t Dan come..” I asked. I could tell form the paper when I opened the letter that it had been written moments ago and letter couldn’t get mailed so fast even if he did mail it. Dan was here. But why didn’t he come see me?
“it’s the rules darling.” Answered Dina sympathetically.
“You have to be here three weeks before you can have any visitors.”
Anger build up in me. Frustration, anger, sadness. I was so mad. So angry. Didn’t she understand? Dan was the only one who loved me. Who really cared for me. When I looked up at her she had already scurried out of the room leaving me by myself to read the letter from Dan. Dan who had been so close a few moments ago. Dan
I missed him.
The letter was barley readable. Dan’s handwriting mixed with the need to rush made the letters blur together and ink smear but I still could read it. For Dina sake I had better been able to read it.
Dear Kali,
I came here to visit you but was told that I wasn’t allowed. Some bullshit about you having to be here at least three weeks. Fuck what they say, ill see you somehow. I hope your getting better. I want you to get out, and come home to me. I miss you so much. Ill be starting collage this September at Loyola. You got accepted there to. Your mother called and told me. If you get out by September we can start collage together. Like we always wanted.
I’m glad to here your in an all woman’s ward. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being in there with a bunch of crazy guys crawling all over you. I cant stand the thought of you being in in there anyway. Your going to be fine alright? Just remember you don’t really need to be there you mom just sent you there cause she cant handle all this. Alright sweet pea? You are not crazy. And even if you were I would love you just the same.
Your beloved,
Dan
P:S: No one knows your there except Sherry and jenny. Sherry missed you, and well you can guess how jenny feels. I love you sweet pea. MWAH.
Hush my little baby..
Dan
I hadn’t noticed I was crying till a tear fell on the paper and smeared the ink. I wiped my face quickly and gathered myself. I was going to find Ashley.
Maybe she knew where Sarah got her pills.
The ward was quiet except for the buzz of the telivision in the living room. It was dark in the ward at night. No one around, everyone in there rooms. But it was ok if we left our rooms at night as long as we rember to write on our sheet outside the door wherr we were.
A leaned back on the yellowish colored couch. On of the most ugliest couches I have ever seen really but I would rather sleep here then my bedroom. On the tv the new went on and on about some shooting in some town not to close to here. That all the world was these days. Shootings, violence, rape murder. And then they put people like me in a mental hospital. People like me. No one in here would shoot anyone except themselves. We would never stab anyone except ourselves. We have all stabed ourselves in the back. Doing this to ourselves. Making life harder then it has to be. It was stupid. It was crazy. Making like harder then it has to be is crazy.
Crazy.
Those were people like me.
I held 6 pills in my hand. I finaall got sarah to tell me. Turns out Theres a chick in another ward who has been here for almost 4 years and they like to load her with medicantion. She has never taken one pill theyv givin her.
Not one.
So she gives it to people in other wards who come to her for free. I think that’s pretty cool of her, giving people what they want.
I didn’t go with Sarah, I don’t have the prvilges to go to other wards yet. Only Sarah really does. And that girl with the white braclete.
Sarah goes there all the time and nurses let her because she says she has friends over there. Well not friends, were allowed to go to other wards to visit others if were good. I know that she doesn’t have any real friends.
But the chick with the pills. She was a friend.
The pills were white and blue and red. Sarah said that the chick knew what she waas doinbg and not to worry. How could I not worry. But then again it was drugs, There was no life without drugs.i didn’t need it before. Didn’t need it before I met Emily that one day at the harbor. That day it smelled like ocean. It had rain and there was a slight fog. Why I was at the harbor I don’t know but when I saw Emily it was like destiny.
“ou over there, tracks…wanna?” She had said. I just looked at her. Her skine was slight yellow and her arms had long marks running up and down, kind of like mine. But hers were tracks mine weren’t.
“I got nothing better to do.” I said and followed her into and alley. A trashcan was giving off steam from a fire that was once there. She led me deeper into the alley. She was also leading me deeper into the hole I was now in.
Near the end there were 2 other girls and guys. They wre eall smoking something or shooting up. The one girl though just had this glow to her eyes. Like diamonds. They were so magnetic, so enchating. She was taking some pill that I cant even rember the name of anymore. But I do know I took some. Suddenly I felt like nothing was impossible. Like the worl was mine and I could do everything. I felt like flying, felt like soring throu whatgh the air. Hovering over the treetops watching the world below me. It was a beautiful world full of color and life. But I ddint want to be in that world I just wanted to watch it, like a movie.
I rember running out of the alley to the edge of the harbor, I wanted to jump in, be with the fish, swim like mermaid. But suddenly Emily appeared, her brown hair tangled, her yellow hand touching my arm.
“We need to hide from them Kali..” she had whispered. How did she know my name?
“We have been waiting for you,” she said, “ Not them though, they don’t care.” She was pointing at the people, the many blur of faces combding slowly to one big blur of nothingnees but I herd emilys voice through the blcknees and blur.
“We’v been waiting for you Kali.” Her voice whispered out of the darkness. It was the most pure sound, her voice, It sounded like the wind through the trees. It felt like life. I felt like I was alive for once, watching the world from the tree tops with the ones who had always been waiting for me.
Life in this hospital was nothing Like life from the tree tops. I knew these pills would make it seem more that way. I swallowed the pills, dry, keeping them down. I sat for awhile awaiting the tree tops, the feeling of life, the feeling of pureness. And I sat for and hour, people came of out there rooms, passing me as the went to the showers. I sat there waiting and then it hit me. The rush was so unexpected it was better then anything. I could feel my eyes glowing, it was like my body was radiating. I stood, stubled a little, as I walked back to my room. Suddenly the hospital was like the tree tops. I was flying hight above them all. They all gave me smiles, they looked at me with jelouse, wishing to be like me. They wanted to be like me. They wanted to be not crazy like me. Bceuase I was not crazy.
Igrabbed my stuff out of my room and headed for the showers stilll radiating. Sarah was in the bathroom when I got there, the same glow on her face. But it wasn’t like my glow. My glow of power, pride. She was not flying, she was not radiating.
Ahshley stepped out of the shower and looked at me. I smile crept on her face. She could feel my radiation. My goo feeling, and that’s what made her smile.
In the shower it felt like I had rested form my flying and was under a wterfall. I was a goodess bathing in the pure waters of life. I was so pure, I am so pure. Then the water fall turned to rain. I was dancing in the rain, something I hadn’t done in a long time. Then there was a rustle of my shower curten.
“What!?” I yelled. I did not want to be disturbed.
“Get out of there Kali you have been in there long enough!” it was diana’s voice. I grabbed my towl from the hook and stepped (stumbled really) out of the shower. “How long have I,” I giggled in between but gather myself and asked, “ How long have I been in there?”
“An hour! Now get dressed or you will miss breakfest and next time no long showers alright?”
I didn’t heree her, I was lost in my own though as I pulled my clothes on. An hour? It didn’t feel like and hour. Yet I didn’t not feel like an hour. It felt like there was no time. But I knew there was, or did I.
“Stop it Kali you sound like a crazy person!” I demanded myself. This was just the drugs that’s all. I lost track of time because of the drugs. Because I was flying. You don’t really care about time when your flying.
People who did drugs shouldn’t be in here. They weren’t crazy. Drugs didn’t make you crazy.
They let you fly.
……………….
It was loud at breakfest this morning. To loud. I was late and people stared at me as they got there trays and sat down with there food. I did the same and sat down again between Ashley and sarah. I sat my tray down with a bang, acidnelty of chorse. Everyone looked at me, smiling, waiting. What were they waiting for?
“What?” I said to everyone. Some looked away but Rachel, she didn’t. She glared at me, she noticed my unusual glow. I sat a little taller so she could see even more how truly powerful I was. But there was disapointment in her eyes. What? Why? I was Kali with the green braclte who gleamed and glowed more then any other girl in this stupid hospital. How self centered it sounded I didn’t care. I was more special then silly old Rachel. Rachel with the face that was so familiar. Rachel with the face.
Why did I want to be known for being crazy? But I wasn’t crazy. Vocies faded in and out at the table and there she was. Rachle. Rachle with the face.
I was in the living room. The buzz from the pills we be gone in about two hours. I would have to get more, but not now. People sat at tables in the living room playing crads, sarah was smoking. I also was smoking while watching the “The Price is Right” on the tv. Ashley yelled out a price for something. I think it was a car. She got the Price right, she got the price right a lot. I mean she was Ashley, it was no surprise.
“You should go on the show Ashley.” I said takeing a long drag from my ciggerete. She looked at me giving me a smile. That smile. She didn’t say anything, she just always smiled. It ment so many words yet it ment nothing at all. No wonder everyone loved her.
Lillth stood up moving away from her sisster. The gloves on her hands weren’t plastic gloves they were leather gloves, red leather gloves.
“Sarah,” I said calmly, not taking my sight of the gloves, “You have a red bracelltte, where are your gloves?”
Though I wasn’t looking at her I knew she had looked over at me. The mood in the room changed but no one acknowledged the change.
“Because,” she said, a little shaky. She was searching for a reason in her head. Suddenly Ashley butted in.
“Because Sarah is allergic to the material in the gloves they give to the cutters. You know? The really crazy ones.” Ashely smirked at me. I smiled back. She was lying but was saving sarahs ass for one reason: drugs
I knew Ashley was lying when she smirked at me and her remark about “the ones being crazy they needed gloves” was tically an insult to Sarah. Ashley was calling her a wussy, a sane person who got locked up because she scratched her wrist with her fingernail. Everyone probley thought Sarahs being here was stupid. Everyone had to think that if Ashley thought so. But what I didn’t get was why she hung out with Sarah, was she was her lover? Then I rembered: the drugs.
I didn’t want to be an outsider like Sarah, used for drugs, or Carol, the girl with the purple bnraccletete. I couldn’t let anyone know I wasn’t crazy.
Ashley looked over at sarah and Sarah waved while hlding her ciggertette. Ashley then looked at me and, when Sarah wasn’t looking, blew me a kiss. She gave me that smile. The smile that ment everything yet nothing at the same time.
No wonder everyone loved her.
| | |
| Hey, i will be posting the first few chaopters of my new upcoming book. i would like to know what people think. if you want to read more afte rthis portion e-mail me at xxfittedsheetsxx@yahoo.com
Here you go
Kali’s Place
Part 1: the hospital.
It was dark when we entered the room. Mrs. Landcasper reached her hand out and flipped on a light illuminating the yellow room. The dull yellow walls were covered with degrees. High school degree, collage degree, PHD, who in the right mind with a PHD would work as a school guidance counselor? Pictures of family vacation and memories also hung on the walls. Judging from all the pictures, degrees, and comfy office Mrs. Lancasper look as if she has a nice life. A life. I wish I had one of those.
Jenny and I took our seats across from Mrs. Lancasper at her desk. I wiggled and squirmed in the chair before I could really get comfortable. Jenny just sat there, sitting pretty, being perfect. Always being perfect. She tousled her Beautiful blonde her with her fingers and observed the room for herself with her gleaming blue eyes. I always liked her eyes. But they showed everything she was feeling. I looked into her eyes to see what she was feeling, but for once I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t read Jenny anymore. My Best friend for life! And I couldn’t read her eyes, the eyes that total strangers could read. For once in my life I realized how far everything had really gone.
“So,” said Mrs. Lancasper, “What’s going on Kali?…Jenny?” Jenny and I turned and faced each other then looked away. This was useless. No one would say anything. No one ever did.
“Why are we here?” I asked, pulling the skin around my nail. I didn’t have to cry, but if I did I wanted some loose skin to pull on, so I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. Not in front of her. I couldn’t let her know how much this really did hurt me.
“Well,” replied Mrs. Landcasper replied, leaning back in her chair, “ Kali your grades have gone down…and I mean way down, Iv noticed That you’ve quit all extra curricular activities. Like lacrosse, drama, cheerleading, and..”
“I didn’t quit..” I whispered. I couldn’t let her think I quit everything, I didn’t want her to think I was such a complete failure.
“Excuse me?”
“I said I didn’t quit. Cheerleading I got kicked off the squad.” I glared at jenny hoping she would feel my pain. The pain she cause me when she kicked me off the squad, when she took the last thing away from me that I loved. Well I shouldn’t say the last. I still had Dan. He knew all about this, all about me, and he still loved me, still wanted me. Jenny couldn’t take Dan. No one would.
“Kali were very worried about you.. I mean we don’t want you to fail. You could fail. You know that right?”
Blah. I had enough of this at home. Mrs. Lancasper chatted on and on. I noticed hoe pretty she was. Chestnut brown hair with natural blonde streaks. Clear skin and full red lips, Blue eyes that glistened like diamonds. She should be a model, not a guidance counselor. I was waiting her life by having stupid problems. If I didn’t have problems she could be on a runway. Great, another life iv ruined and I just met the lady.
I think Mrs. Lancasper got that hint that no one was going to talk, but she made us sit there anyway..in silence. Iv had enough. I pushed the green chair out halfway out of the chair when Jenny’s voice came out suddenly surprising me and Mrs. Landcasper.
“Why am I here? I mean this seems to be all about Kali, what’s the point of me?”
“Well Jenny, seeing as you a Kali our friends I thought you might know something.”
My muscles tightened. She knew everything. Well she knew the rumors, but they were just rumors. No one knew if they were true or not. But they were true. And she knew the rumors. She hated me, she knew the rumors. It was all over.
“Friend? You call her a friend?” Now it was her turn to glare at me, that look. The look we gave Jimmy Larkcans after her had picked his nose. The look we use to give fat girls in the cafeteria. The look of disgust, disappointment, the look of “ your dirt and shit so you ain’t worth it” look.
My heart shattered.
Jenny’s words flowed out of her mouth, cold, hurtful, bad bad bad words. I just sat there and started at the floor while she unveiled my secret, my life.
“Kali hadn’t been herself lately about a month or to ago. She didn’t want to hang out anymore or whatever, then she stopped showing up for cheer squad. That was after I had herd she had just left all her other clubs she was in.” Jenny breathed in like this was some heart wrenching tale she didn’t want to tell. O please. She was loving every minute of it. “When she came to practice I told her she could be on the team anymore. Half revenge for sorta..no for dropping me as a friend and the fact she wasn’t giving it her 100% effort. Then the rumors started” Her voice kinda trailed of and she sniffled. I knew when she was acting and she sure as hell was acting but Mrs. Landcasper couldn’t tell. Jenny had been on drama club for 7 years. She was a hell of a good actress.
“ The rumors..they were so horrible. It didn’t sound a thing like the Kali I knew.” She glared at me “Or the Kali I thought I knew.” That when it happened so fast I didn’t even realize what shed done until I herd the loud gasp come from her and Mrs. Landcasper. Jenny had grabbed my arm an in an instant had pulled up my sleeve revealing everything I had worked so hard to hide. Scars, everywhere, cut scars dried blood, everything. And the bones stuck out, I was so thin, when did I get so thin. Under all the scars there where even some tracks. It disgusted even me.
Jenny breathed in an uneasy breathe. I could tell from the look on her face she didn’t know the rumors where really true. It looked as if she was half expecting to see nothing on my arm, and that she would apologize for being a bitch and we’d be friends again forever and always. I had realized that nothing lasted forever and always.
“I… I didn’t know, I thought that they were just rumors.” jenny looked into my eyes, hers were filled with so Mrmuch deceit and hatred. Though also were filled with disappointment and lose. Did she really care? Was there a kind heart deep within the bitch? There couldn’t be, this was Jenny, bitch big bitch Jenny. She had no feeling for me. She wasn’t concerned about me, she was, but no longer. I was just another faded memories bound to be locked in her past.
“Jenny you can go now. Kali you’ll need to stay with me for now.”
Jenny left the room and suddenly everything came into perspective. The whole conversation flashed before me. s. Landcasper knew, she saw, she had proof.
I’d been caught.
I zoned off into a world of blackness. It ironically resembled my life. I thought back to the last few months. It had started when Drake called me fat. Or had it started before that? Well I had been bulemice before that. But it had really started, really got bad when he called me fat. I ran into the girls bathroom tears in my eyes and a lump the size of an apple in my throat. Jenny ran in after me and even Dan ran in even though he could have been suspended for walking in the girls bathroom. Jenny told me that I wasn’t fat and that Drake was just an ass and not to pay attention and then she left. Probably off to beat Drake up or something. But Dan, he looked at me and told me I was beautiful just the way I was. And he didn’t care if I was fat, or skinny, or anything and he said he loved me anyways. No matter how weird it looked I held him so tight and that very moment loving him more then I ever had. I would have suspected something like this would happen someplace more…..well….romantic. But at the time it really didn’t matter. But even though Dan had said I was beautiful how I was, it wasn’t good enough. I was a cheerleader, I need approval from everyone. I needed to beautiful to everyone.
For a week I tried not eating. But being the pig I am I couldn’t stand it. So instead I ate so much I felt like I would pop. Then BLAH! I’d puke it all up. No one suspected anything since I was eating. And no one of chores was going to follow me into a bathroom. At first I didn’t really loose anything. A couple pounds here and there. But then suddenly everyone noticed how good I looked. Even Dan had to admit I looked good, but he didn’t want me getting to thin. So instead I did a lot of exercise to keep me tone and ate some and kept it in my stomach. But every time I looked in a mirror I was purpled to run to the bathroom and puke even if I just did a few moments ago. Then the cutting started.
We got a letter form school explaining how this whole cutting thing was some sort of trend these days. A lot of people thought it was crap but I couldn’t stop thinking about the letter in school. I was walking through the hallway thinking to myself about it. Dan wasn’t in school today so I had this time to think to myself. I painted a smile onto my face and waved at my peers. Then a voice from the crowd called my name. “huh?” I said being suddenly pulled out of my thoughts. It was Jamie, leader of the art club. She had noticed my absence from the club. I had taken that extra time for exercising. I wanted to be thin, not and artist. I quit art club on the spot. That same day I dropped Drama and chorus leaving me only with lacrosse and cheerleading. They helped me loose weight. I wasn’t giving them up.
When I got home on cue my mother yelled at me for some queer reason, PMS or something. But it gave me an excuse to find a razor and cut myself for the first time. It hurt but the site of blood and the feeling , the rush, was like no other I had ever gotten. The world seemed to explode and I saw it in a whole new perspective. I began to slowly start missing more and more school just so I could go on the streets and think morbid thoughts and write morbid things, just be morbid. One day while walking I met a girl. A junkie. She had confused scars on my arm for tracks and asked if I wanted to shoot up with her. Her hair was tangled and dirty. You could tell she hadn’t eaten, slept, of showered in days. Though I was not a custom to drugs I nodded. From then on every Thursday me and Emily would go shoot up together behind a dumpster.
After that everything started spinning out of control complete and Dan was threatening to leave me if he didn’t know what was wrong. He didn’t want to leave me but he needed to know, he wanted to help. He had herd rumors at school, he was concerned. So I told him. I cried the whole time telling him. I felt like I betrayed him. He only held me close and stroked my cheeks, wiping the tears away,
“There, there Kali,” he had said, “ It going to be alright. We have each other that’s all that matters, and you going to get better ok? I love you Kali.”
The next day I end up in the guidance counselors office. Emily probably thinks I bailed on her because I don’t like her or something. Its Thursday, are day to meet. I had a feeling I would be missing a lot of Thursdays with Emily
Mrs. Landcasper‘s voice snapped me back and I realized that I was in the yellow guidance office waiting for Mrs. Landcasper to say something and when she did I was a bit startled.
“Kali, I…the school,” her voice trailed off. She was thinking hard about what to do with me I could tell. I held my breathe waiting for what she had to say. She looked up, a worried look on her face and fear was settled into her eyes. She was probably thinking of her own children. Wondering if I talked to them. I f I told them what I did. She was worried that maybe I stole her own child’s innocence. She had a daughter who went here and was the nicest sweetest most biggest good to shoes ever. Mrs. Landcasper made her that way because Mrs. Lancasper wasn’t so innocent as a child. She had her first daughter at 16.
“Kali, we need to call your mom.”
The room wouldn’t stay still. It constantly moved till it felt like wasn’t even in my own body anymore and that I was watching everything except what was happing to me. And when I finally decided to come back to myself, and the room finally stopped spinning, I had somehow ended up at home. Mom just looked at me. A look in her eyes that was frustration, annoyed, aggravated, but not worried. Not sad, not caring, not anything that should be in a mothers eyes. She had never cared so why did I expect her to care now? The next words the came out of her mouth were shocking, surprising, I even think my mom was surprised to say it.
“Kali the school wont let you come back until your better, and I don’t think I can handle you being home and not being better either, so your going to Memorial Creek the day after tomorrow.”
Everyone knew that Memorial Creek was a mental hospital for the insane people. I wasn’t insane, was I? My mother left the room and for the first time in forever I let myself cry. I let go of being perfect and I let go of the wanting I once had to be this way, to be this tragedy.
Slowly I dialed Dan’s number. He would be the only one to know. I had a reputation.
“Hello?” He answered. His voice was so sweet, so smooth, I loved him so much. Why had I don’t this to him?
“Dan? Its me.” I tried gulping down tears but that only made it worse and I began bawling on the phone. Between sniffles and hic ups the story came out about how I would soon be attending Memorial Creek.
Dan was silent for a long time and for awhile we just sat in the silence waiting for something to happen. Maybe we were both wishing this was a dream,
“Kali, I don’t know what to say, but you’ll get better ok? remember that sweet pea your going to be alright.”
I cried. I cried and cried and cried. In the background Dan sung to me “hush little baby” a lullaby that always made him sleep when he was little.
“Hush little baby,” he sung out. I couldn’t help but smile.
By midnight we had hung up the phone and I was in my room packing. As I stared down at the clothes, The black clothing, long sleeved shirts, chains, I couldn’t find myself. This wasn’t who I was. Well if this wasn’t who I was where had I gone? And if this was me how did I get this way. “What happened to you Kali?” I questioned myself. What had really happened these last few mouths? I was angry at myself now and wanted to cut, cut my arm off. But mom had me on lock down so I screamed at myself. “WHY DID YOU DO THIS KALI! WHY!?” But I wouldn’t say anything. I never did. I closed my eyes surrounded now by darkness. Slowly I began to disappear until there was not a shard of me left.
It was raining when the taxi pulled up to my driveway. I had it come early so the neighbors wouldn’t question where I was headed. Like I said, I had a reputation.I actually wondered if I still had a repuation. Id let it slip these past months so why did I care so much for it now?
Dan came and wished me goodbye. He promised me he would write everyday and visit whenever it was possible. We hug and kissed goodbye and me and my mom sat ourselves in the taxi as far away from each other.
“Where to?” asked the driver. He had a baseball cap on but it hardly did I good job hiding the rat nest on his head. Tangled beach blonde hair stuck out and hung over his gem green eyes. His eyes couldn’t help remind me of Emily’s. Filled with false hope, lies, and a hunger that seemed to live in them. And with his tangled blonde hair, dirty look, and the very noticeable bags under his eyes, he had to be a junkie. I couldn’t help but smile. I could make this ride just a little more entertaining for myself. Every druggie in this area had a past, present, or future with Emily and ones who had left her side became so shaky when her name was brought up. She was so dangerous and everyone was afraid of her, yet everyone loved her at the same time.
“Memorial Creek.” answered my mom. The expression on the drivers face did not change. This comforted me. At least someone in this car wasn’t judging me.
“So,” I asked the driver, “You know Emily? Emily Rowhouse?”
The sudden expression of surprise on his face was priceless. It soon went surprise to suspicion and he pulled over and turned to my mom, suspicious and angry.
“Look lady,” he said frustrated and afraid at the same time, “This better not be some trick! I have nothing to do with Emily anymore so if you’re a cop go after her and not me!”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“This sir is no trick and I am not a cop I am a realtor! Now get us to Memorial Creek in the next 10 min or I will pay you nothing!”
The driver turned and rode about 20 miles over the limit. Mother turned to look at me and whispered “ Who in gods name is Emily Rowhouse , and how do you know her?”
“Just a friend mom, I see her once a week. On THURSDAYS.” I said a little louder for the driver to hear. He was personally annoyed by now. I was hoping he’d kick us out of the taxi and leave us in the woods. Then I wouldn’t have to go to this stupid place. But before I could annoy him any further we passed a sign that sad “Welcome to Memorial Creek!”.
“Well this place looks friendly.” mom said giving me a sort of hopeful look.
“Yeah,” I said, “real friendly.”
We pulled up to a large brick building that resembled a school almost and if you would have saw it would have never expected crazy house. That was a bit comforting.
“Here’s your stop.” said the driver practically shoving my luggage out of the taxi. Mother kissed me good by and left me alone with a nurse. She looked like a real nurse. You wouldn’t see a nurse standing in front of a school. She wasn’t that pretty. Her hair was a real orange red. Her eyes a very dull gray brown and her nose had this little bump in it. Thin lips unevenly covered with pink lipstick and mascara smeared a bit at the top of her eyes. She was alright looking I guess but her nose and her makeup was the real flaws. Yet she had a diamond ring on her ringer. Maybe today was just one of those days for her where you just don’t look good. I have those days sometimes. They suck
“Hello Carol.” said the nurse. I didn’t bother correcting the mistake she had made with my name. I was to tired at the moment and I didn’t exactly know why. What did it matter anyway?
The nurse who had introduced herself later as Charlene lead me inside to a front office and checked me in. She realized herself the mistake she had made with my name.
“Sorry I called u carol! Silly me, just one of those days you know?”
“I woke up this morning to finish packing to go to a mental hospital, what do you think?”
Charlene didn’t bother with anymore small talk after that.
She told me that I would be in the 3rd ward, the ward for troubled woman number 1. She explained there were about 5 wards and in each one there were sections. In the 3rd ward I was a number 1 which was good.
“It means you wont be here very long. Easy treatment, just some therapy and group that’s all”
I was considered a 3 level 1. If I had been a 3 level 2 I would have more serious treatment or something. But if I was a 3 level 3 I would have to get shock therapy. Good thing I wasn’t that crazy.
One each level there were colored bracelets you had to ware. Your color changed the more your got better. Charlene gave me a green bracelet and told me how rare I was.
“It means that you were almost a 3 level 2 but not to bad so they could put u one level 1. There’s only one other green on your level and she’s a crazy one. There thinking about moving her to level to..”
Charlene continued to talk about this girl named Ashley but I had my own thoughts. I was almost a level 2. Did that make me half crazy? I shivered. I didn’t want to be crazy, and I wasn’t crazy.
“Here we are ward 3 level 1.” Charlene said. She pushed open to big blue doors leading us to two green doors. They were locked. Charlene took out her keys and unlocked the green doors and lead me into ward 3.
It was bright inside, lights form every direction. It was one long hallway. On the walls of the hallway were doors. Door after door. Finally the hallway entered into one big room. The big room had two other hallways attached to it that lead to places like therapy, or the art room, and the cafeteria.
Charlene lead me to my room. There where to beds on each side of the room. The bed on the left had rainbow covers, rainbow posters, and gay pride posters. Pictures of girls kissing girls were sped along the wall. A Russian bad by the name of TATU CD laid on the bed. To lesbian girls.
“Great,” I though, “I get a room with a lesbian.”
Once I had set my suitcase and belongs on my bed Charlene called the head nurse in to show me around the rest of the ward. I was glade Charlene wasn’t on the ward. She was to talkative and I didn’t like to talk.
The next nurses name was Diana. She was also dressed up like a nurse though she was older and was a bit bigger. She was also black.
“Alright girl I don’t have time for talking so we’ll have to get another girl to show you around.”
“Fine with me.” I said smiling to myself. I would much rather have a girl show me around then some nurse. The nurses told you nothing but rules. The girls, they’d show you the ropes.
When we entered the living room it reminded me of the guidance office. It was painted a dull, ugly shade of yellow and was crowed with comfy chairs and couches. Your could tell it was good will,75% off kind of furniture. Tacky yellow chairs, blue couches with yellow roses. There was a lot of yellow in the living room. It was the color of hope.
A TV blared in the background though no one was watching it. They were either talking, playing cards, smoking, doing something. But not a soul in that room was watching the TV.
Diana whistled loud enough for everyone to here over there own chatter. Faces turned to stare. I could feel myself blush, I couldn’t help but feeling weird have all these..crazy people stare at me.
“Girls this is Kali, she’ll be staying with us for awhile.”
“Holy shit!” someone yelled, “She’s a green.”
I felt my face get even more red.
“Sarah since your Kali’s new roommate could you show her how the ward works?”
“No problem.” said Sarah. She took in a deep breath form her cigarette and leaned farther back into her chair. She was looking me up and down and sizing me up. Try to find out what I possibly did to get a green bracelet.
Diana left and a girl with Kool-Aid red hair came up to me and came real close to my face.
“Ashley has had the only green bracelet in this ward for a long time,” she said un almost a whisper. “She said no one was as bad as her.” The girl turned and glared at another girl who sat on the other side of the room. I assumed that was Ashley. The green bracelet on her wrist confirmed my assumption. Ashley had a yellowish tint to her skin, drugs most likely. A haze hung in her brown eyes and her sandy blonde hair twisted and turned and knotted in every which way. I could tell one reason she was in here. Drugs. I don’t think I can take one more junkie. It would make me miss Emily to much. Ashley tossed her head back as she blew the smoke out of her mouth, her cigarette leaning back with her. Ashley’s neck has red dots all over it, like bite marks. Had she been in a vampire cult?
Kool-aid head had left and Sarah was now by my side watching me watch Ashley.
“Beautiful isn’t she?” asked Sarah, admiring Ashley along with me.
“Iv been inside her. She’s a lesbian like me, plus she’s the only pretty girl here.” Sarah stroked my arm up and down “But I think she’s gained some competition.”
“Yeah?” I said, I couldn’t help but love the attention. I made a mental note in my head to become Sarah and Ashley’s best friends.
“Well before we get into other details of like style here let me show you some stuff around here to help u get around, come on.” Sarah grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards the nurse station. It was close to the front of the ward by the big blue doors that had been locked. There, next to the nurse station, was a dry erase bored. ON it hung a green dry erase marker. On the bored every girl in ward three level one, name was listed. There were columns next to the persons name and at the top of the bored times. What ever organized activity was written in a colum next to your name you would go there at that time. I had only four organzed activities. Breakfest Lunch Dinner and therapy.
“If you want to go somewhere that’s not an organized activity there is a paper outside our door. On the paper write where your going, when your left, and when u get back. That way if a nurse cant find u they can look on the dry earse bored or the paper by your door. If you don’t follow these directions blah blah blah.” She said and smiled at me. I smiled back. I was getting to like Sarah ver much.
“So,” she said, curiosity filled her eyes, “what did you do to get a green?” she asked refereing to my braclette.
I coudnt help but linger onto the theory that if I didn’t tell anyone what happened then no one would no and it would justgo away. But then again if I didn’t tell I would be a green braclette for longer. The more you tell the quicker you get out.
I took a deep breathe, “I self inury, im a addict, and a belimic.”
Sarah laughed. Not the nervouse laugh that I was expecting but the kind of laugh that u have when soethings funny.
“You sound like you at an AA meeting.” She giggles. I couldn’t help but smile. Sarah lit a ciggerette and offered me one. I took it like a savage, I hadn’t had one in a long time. I think she could tell because she told me that when the ward gets money in the male a good amount goes to the ciggerete fund si the nurses will buy cartons of cigarettes. Mental note to, tell mom to send some money in letters.
“Well, I’m here because I, as you would say, “self injury”.” She twisted her arms around as the ciggerette dangked from her lips. The were a deep deep red and out lined with a deep red. Her hair was a raven black coler and fell over her shoulders. She was just as pretty as Ashley, she was just more neater, well put together, non bum looking.
The lines on sarahs skin were beautiful. Art written onto the body, I story told without any words. It was marvelous. Her bracellet was red.
“What does the red stand for?” I questioned, “and how many colors are there?”
“Well,” said sarah, “Red stand for self harmer, like burning, cutting, banggging or pillpoping stuff like that.” She twisted the braclette with her fingers and began tuggin at it and continued to talk.
“The Blues stand for eating disorder, that’s pretty self explanatory. The Purples stand for drug abuse or something like that and white means your clean and will be getting out in a mounth.”
“What, what does green mean?”
“Green my friend means u have more then 2 of the colors which rarely happens, u happed to have all three colors, as does Ashley. She also fiddle around with some stuff that could possibley put her in ward 3 level 3 but those things are kept hush hush!” She put a finger over her mouth and we laughed. Her eyes though weren’t laughing. Well in a way they were but there was something else, something in them that I couldn’t find…
“Well looks like where having a party I see?”
Sarah and I spun around to Ashley standing there her hadn leaning against the wall the other holding a ciggertee. She took in her ciggerette and let it linger there on her lips. Sarah walked over to her and introduced us, though I alredy knew what I wanted to know abour Ashley and that was that she was leader of most of them and if I was her friend I to could be a queen be. Attention was apssion for me. Id do a lot to get it.
“Ash, Kali’s a gren like you.”
Ashley smiled, “well look at that!”. It was hard to tell if her happinees was real or sarcasim. Did she feel threatned by there being another green in the ward? But by the look on Sarahs face it looked as though Ashley approved of me.
Ashley looked me up and down, judging me but not like other do. She was judging me, not the clothes, not the smile, me. She was looking at my scars checking my tracks and measuring how small my wrist were from weight loose with her eyes.
“Sarah, go in the lving room and play with Lilith, I wanna get to know Kali a little bit more.”
Sarah looked at Ashley with a sort of puppy dogged eye look, a look also of saddness, like shed been slapped in the face. But she brightned when she looked at ashely again and then looked at me.
“Ok baby,” she had said then turned Ashley towards her and gave her the most biggest wettest dramtic French kiss ever. While sarah walked away she glanced over her shoulder at me. O please did she think I was going to take ahsley away from her? Like I was some kind of threat? I had a boyfriend and I wouldn’t become a lesbian if my life depened on it. Though the more I looked at Ashley, being here in a mental hospital, might not be so bad.
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